After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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