i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Welp...herpes.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
