Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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