I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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