pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
You pole danced in your parka.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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