I can text with my tongue
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
