I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
