Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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