U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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