mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize