New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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