Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
