clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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