but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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