brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
