i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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