I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
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