how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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