I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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