When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
