I am spending my child support on dildos
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
