I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
