im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
