i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize