you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
