really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
