You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
In America we eat man semen.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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