I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
