I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
