I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
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