the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
