dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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