Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
