John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
