Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
