We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
