i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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