The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
