At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
he thought i was a dude.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
