she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
