Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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