you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
