I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
