ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
