Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
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