remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Pants are for mortals
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
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