Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
We have so much sex to catch up on
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Randomize
