Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
