she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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