Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
