you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
