A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
