Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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