he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
