I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
