I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
