Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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