Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Sorry my hands just texted you
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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