You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
