my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
