Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize