no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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