a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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