do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
i came on her dog
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
