I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
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