It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize