Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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