Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
it was like eating out sand paper
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
