Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I'm passing your future prison.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
